Dad’s cancer was progressive and he deteriorated quickly. My health and well-being was definitely impacted by becoming a carer, but at the time, we lived life purposefully, hopefully and to its fullest.
Looking back, it was so important to recognise the negative effects of being a carer and act on the challenges to make changes for better health.
1. RECOMMENDATIONS, TIPS & ADVICE: challenges of being a carer & breakdown symptoms to look for
Watch for signs that you are affected by being a caregiver
Each person’s health & well-being is different, but some common signs include:
- Feeling lonely and isolated
- Feeling teary, impatient, or frustrated all the time
- Feeling run down and tired all the time and becoming ill regularly
Recognise these signs in yourself and accept you’re struggling to cope. This is the first step to addressing the issue(s) and getting the problem(s) sorted before they escalate and become truly unmanageable.
It’s best to catch an illness early to arrest and treat the problem, enabling speedier recovery.
Surround yourself with people you trust and can depend on
- This can be family members, close friends, HR at work or colleagues, or support groups
- You need these people to lean on, to listen to you without judgment, to make you smile/laugh, and draw strength and support from.
Make a priorities list and stick to it, be disciplined and honest with yourself
- Column 1 – things you must do almost immediately and, certainly, within the coming week
- Column 2 – things you need to do but can push to next week
- Column 3 – things that can wait for 3-4 weeks and/or can be handled by someone else
Once you have this list, focus on 1) actioning column one 2) putting column two aside for next week 3) making plans to have items in column three dealt with by someone else or by automation.
For example, use online shopping apps and add items to your cart as and when they run low. Or, set future calendar reminders so for now you can forget about it knowing it’s on your list! For example, set reminders to make those repeat prescription requests and collect medication later in the month.
Update this list weekly to keep things in order and support your well-being. I’d suggest on a Friday before the weekend or a Sunday before the start of the following week.
Read on to blog #3 to see the ‘turning points’ that prompted me to take positive actions to improve my health & well-being. Here I talk about the warning signs to look out for and what we can do about it as working professionals and caregivers.
2. BLOG: My story – A daughter’s duty
My transformative health and well-being journey started when my sisters and I, born in UK to Chinese parents, became caregivers to stroke-survivor Mum and cancer-patient Dad.
Supporting the family was not new to us. Culturally, we were a tight unit and grew up traditionally.
Mum was a homemaker and Dad, in his heyday, was head chef at a Chinese restaurant in Kensington & Chelsea, London. So, a 5-year cancer prognosis was a punch in the stomach for us and hard to take.
After emigrating to West London from Hong Kong and China in the 70’s, Mum and Dad kept a small circle of friends. They learned very basic English but relied on friends and me and my sisters for life admin translating letters and documents.
At the start of our caregiving journey, our family were strong. Individually we played our parts in caring for and supporting one another.
When Dad got the all-clear following an operation in early 2016, we were elated and enjoyed family holidays together. My sisters and I continued to happily care for Mum and Dad in an organised and systematic way.
Unfortunately, Dad’s cancer came back some years later. This time, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and heavy medication was needed.
3. Blog: Challenges and effects of being a carer for family members
Looking back, Dad deteriorated quickly, as did my mental health.
At the time, however, we lived life purposefully, hopefully and to its fullest.
We ate at Dad’s favourite restaurants regularly, drove around listening to old Cantonese classics and visited beautiful places like the Royal Parks.
We also planned a trip back to Dad’s homeland, Guangzhou, China, which unfortunately never happened.
4. blog: how life changes when you become a carer? The negative changes
Looking back on this, my health and well-being was definitely impacted by becoming a carer.
Physically, I worked a high-pressured, full-time job and cared for Mum and Dad. I shared grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning duties with my sisters and took Dad to all his hospital appointments. At one point, we went in everyday for 6-weeks for his radiotherapy appointments.
Despite being a foodie, I ate poorly and skipped meals. Sleep deprived I lacked energy and optimism, and isolated myself from social situations and friends. When I had time at night, I’d stay awake for ‘me time’. Of course, this added to my mental stresses and anxiety.
Overloaded with responsibilities, it’s no surprise that home life priorities came last after work and my duties as a daughter.
Emotionally, I was tearful and offloaded often onto my husband. I also found it hard to feel happy, even for special family and friend events like birthdays, weddings, and births.
With the weight of the world on my shoulders, I struggled to give 100% of myself to any task I took on. I continued to operate like this until I ran on empty and had nothing left in my cup to pour.
Indeed, and thank goodness there were turning points. Throughout my caregiving years, three turning points pushed me into making lifestyle changes. These turning points were necessary because they led me to take practical steps to better my poor health and well-being (more about this in blog #3).
5. blog: how life changes when you become a carer? The positive changes
The first ‘turning point’ was when I was in the passenger car seat next to my husband, shuffling music on the iPad. When the screen froze, I found myself tapping furiously at the unresponsive screen. Impatient, I also felt frustration, anxiety, and rage all at once.
At that moment, my husband broke my trance. Calmly, he said “it’s just a song and an iPad..”.
I caught myself and couldn’t believe a frozen iPad made me feel this way. He followed by suggesting that I look out the window, find a point of focus like the leaves on a tree or a bird, and breathe.
Alternatively, he encouraged me to put down the iPad and do something else to distract my senses. “For example, pick up that coffee cup, feel the texture and ridges, and take a sip”.
Although simple words, they resonated and have stuck with me ever since. It was exactly what I needed, without knowing I needed it at all.
Anything to stop me falling deeper and harder was worth a try.
6. blog: practical steps I took to create ‘me time’ to improve my health
That evening, I chose to slow down life. I decided to stop unimportant things like social media interfering with my life priorities and health and well-being.
The best and quickest way I achieved this was by deactivating all social media and news apps on my phone.
That night, I felt light as a feather and enjoyed the best sleep I’d had in ages! My last post on Instagram before I temporarily deactivated my account:
“Yesterday, I slowed everything down, gave myself time and space, and was kind to myself. It’s been a tough 16 months and will get tougher so I must practice what I preach because if I’m not okay then I can’t be okay to those around me who need it more. To mark #worldsmentalhealthday, I am drawing your attention to this beautiful human being, my husband. If not for him, being behind me every step of the way, looking out for me, cooking for me, talking sense to me, having my back, and playing his blues, my mind and body would not be as resilient as it is. I’m grateful that I recognise the importance of practicing mindfulness and do exercise it, but I’m also the luckiest to have a wonderful soul by my side who walks the path with me and reminds and encourages me not to ever forget the most important things in life, starting with looking out for and after number one. 19 years together and I can’t wait to experience the next 19 and more with you. Thank you”.
My second ‘turning point’ happened after my week-long hospitalisation for an asthma attack. It turned out I had an acute chest infection and my husband was right to call an ambulance!
That same week, Dad was hospitalised for an infection following chemotherapy and radiotherapy. This period was dark for me and a wake-up call to do something about my poor physical, mental, and emotional health.
The practical steps I took as soon as I was discharged from hospital was to request extended dependency leave from work. I took 5-months off to improve my health and care for Dad with undivided attention.
Secondly, I worked up a carers schedule, with my sisters, medical staff, adult social services, and the end-of-life support teams. The purpose was to ensure 24-7 around the clock care for Mum and Dad.
Thirdly, I made sure that the family were well nourished – physically, mentally, and emotionally. We ate well and continued to enjoy life together as a family.
We frequented Dad’s favourite restaurants, where possible, drove to beautiful places listening to old Cantonese classics, and made plans for a trip back to his homeland, Guangzhou, China. This, unfortunately, never happened but kept us talking, thinking, and dreaming positively.
Without realising it, I’m sure this helped to keep me and Dad going during his final months with us.
