The hardest part of being a caregiver is experiencing loss and feeling guilty for not doing enough.
Being a (sandwich) caregiver to my Son and parents, I’ve encountered loss and guilt.
A loss of control, independence, sense of self, income, and my best friend and hero in 2020 when, after a 5-year battle, Dad lost his fight to cancer.
As loss amounts, grief, and depression build. And the moment you step away from your caregiving duties – whether just for a few hours or overnight – guilt sets in.
Somehow, the rational and reasonable part of you says you’ve nothing to be guilty about.
Your heart and soul, however, feel differently.
Festive period guilt
And, there is no time like the festive season – when we’re expected to enjoy ourselves and spend precious time creating fun memories with loved ones – for caregivers to be overcome with a sense of guilt.
For me, feeling guilty comes from guilty thoughts.
“How can I possibly leave Dad to go home to get a good night’s sleep… how can I enjoy myself at my friend’s party when he’s so poorly and needs my help. How can our family enjoy the forest cabin we’ve booked for Christmas and have fun when Dad is so ill after leaving the hospital…”.
Practical steps to fight guilt
Such guilty thoughts are, of course, amplified in hard times. And, if I were a friend consoling myself, I know the first words leaving my mouth would be: “You’ve nothing to feel guilty about; you’ve always done the best by your Dad; you are absolutely doing your utmost for your Dad.”
Deep down, I know this is all true – and, for the sake of my own health & well-being, sanity, and resilience to continue taking on life, I must accept them and fight feelings of guilt.
So, over the festive period – try to do the following things to overcome any guilt that may be creeping in.
1. Acknowledge guilt exists
People feel guilt for a variety of reasons, including acts they have committed (or think that they committed), a failure to do something they should have done, or thoughts that they think are morally wrong.
2. Eliminate negative self-talk
As a caregiver, we do all we do and all we can out of love and compassion. In relation to the things listed above, be honest and answer them truthfully about yourself from the viewpoint of one of your good friends… “have I done something/committed an act that I should feel guilty about?”, “have I not done something that I should have done?”, “have I had thoughts that are morally wrong?”.
3. Find out if there’s a reason to feel guilty
If the answer is yes to any of the questions in 2, then doing something / taking action / making amends to correct your wrong doing is the best way to combat guilty feelings.
4. Remind yourself of all that you do
If the answers are no to questions 2, you must remind yourself of all the things you’ve done and continue to do for the person you care for. If it’s awkward to praise yourself (!), do it from the eyes of your friend.
5. Accept it’s OK to have needs
From time to time, we all need to step away from caregiving duties. We all need to relax and relish in ‘me time‘. We all have a need to enjoy social settings, to laugh, sing, and dance. We all need to put our feet up and take the weight off our shoulders – physically and metaphorically. And we certainly all need a good night’s sleep. After all, we are only human!
6. Establish boundaries
Having a clear plan for the festive period and/or a carer’s routine all year round helps to establish boundaries. As well as keeping you organised and doing what you need to do, at the right times, a schedule serves as a reminder of all that you do. It’s a useful tool to fight guilt any time you feel it.
7. Understand what you can and can’t control
Doing your best to take on life is enough. We can’t control everything and stressing out and feeling guilty trying to do it all, will change nothing except make you ill. Ever since I discovered the Serenity Prayer, I remind myself of it during challenging times.
