As a Caregiver, I constantly make lists, worry about the details, and struggle to relax and let go.
I over-plan because it is an essential part of my Caregiving life.
A well-organised schedule allows me to stay on top of daily tasks, duties, and responsibilities – and stops me from obsessively overthinking every detail of my plans.
When taken away from making plans and lists, throwing tasks and responsibilities in the balance, I am anxious, irritable, and impatient. I get annoyed with the activity distracting me and the person who may have interrupted me.
However, when plans and lists are made and in order, I am energised, happy, playful, and fun – a completely different person.
Admittedly, I have always been this way. As the firstborn child to non-English speaking parents in the UK and the oldest of three siblings, I took on responsibilities at a young age. I also quickly adopted leadership skills, requiring precision planning and strong organisation skills.
Compounding this was the technological advances as I matured, and in today’s fast-paced world, everything is urgent and needs your attention. If something is not done immediately, it will be added to the diary to be actioned as a matter of priority.
Just writing this makes me anxious and breathless with panic.
Taking a step back and several deep breaths, I realise it is crucial to recognise the thin line between proactive planning (the pros) and detrimental over-planning (the cons).
This is especially true as a Caregiver because how can I best care for my loved ones when I am anxious, impatient, and irritable?!
Root causes of over-planning
Mentally and emotionally, I believe my desire and need to control outcomes and ensure everything is perfect – just the way I want it – causes me to over plan.
My effort to minimise anxiety resulting from a loss of control also pushes me to over plan.
Rationally, I accept that nothing can ever really be perfect, and we have little control over most outcomes.
However, I also accept that aspects of my childhood hard-wired this habit in me, creating the over-planner I am today.
Looking at my childhood objectively, I would say that as the firstborn child to non-English speaking parents in the UK and the oldest of three siblings, I:
- took on responsibilities at a young age
- figured things out on my own
- was judged for making mistakes
- experienced a traumatic event that neither I nor my family predicted in life had left a lasting impression
- felt lost and unsettled without something to anchor myself to
- sought order by organising thoughts and actions in advance to manage uncertainty and reduce stress
- started to over-plan to gain control and predictability in life to limit anxiety and panic
I fully recognise the importance of balancing healthy planning with the grip of mental unease!
While a well-organised schedule helps me stay on track and stops me from obsessing over every detail of my plans, I know over planning stresses me out, makes me unfriendly and unapproachable, and distracts me from being present to enjoy and appreciate life.
How to stop it?
- Tip #1. Create a regular planning habit that allows you to be intentional with your time without over planning. I tend to do this on Sunday evenings when I put aside half an hour to map out my coming week as best I can. Alternatively, this can be the last thing you do daily, where you spend 15 minutes planning your intended to-do list for the next day.
- Tip #2: Block out white space, open slots, or buffer times in your days every day. When you look at my diary, it appears that every minute is accounted for. In reality, my time is punctuated with buffer space for thinking, making a drink, walking or driving to the next appointment, having lunch, and meeting overspills and slippages.
- Tip #3. Plan for imperfection. Accept that nothing can ever really be perfect, and we have little control over most outcomes. Therefore, we cannot plan perfectly. However, we can create a plan that helps us prepare for the unexpected. This is what tip #2. is about – building in buffer space for when things do not go according to plan or when we must take that emergency phone call or join a last-minute meeting.
- Tip #4: After completing your weekly or daily planning, review it to identify how many things are actually a top priority. I then follow the 3 D’s rule of dealing with it, delegating it, or deleting it. Priority actions stay to be dealt with. Less urgent priorities get delegated to another date and time or to someone I trust and can call on for help. And, things that are not, in fact, a priority get deleted or (from that month) relegated to be looked at in the next 1-2 months.
- Tip #5. Prepare to be wrong. Accepting that nothing can be 100% perfect and that we have little control over most outcomes helps us become less anxious, irritable, uptight, and unpleasant, and therefore better Caregivers. Even the best planners cannot predict the future and precisely say how long things will take to do, complete, or achieve. So, why give ourselves an impossible task and not be prepared to tackle life’s unpredictability?
I hope some of these tips, if not all, help improve your mental and emotional health and well-being as the amazing Caregiver and passionate planner you are!
You may also be interested in this article about why we over think and the strategies to try in order to stop it.
For medical based support from the UK’s national health service, you may find this link about dealing with stress helpful.
